The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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