After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Randomize
