she was so not down for the gang bang
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
