I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
