Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
