so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
