I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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