I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
