I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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