ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
