well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
