Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
