this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
