I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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