I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I didn't notice because vodka
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
