I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
There are leaves in my underwear?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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