I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
