I accidentally burped into my bong.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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