I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
