I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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