In America we eat man semen.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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