Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think your dad took our porno
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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