somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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