I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Is Oprah even human
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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