hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
