meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
