I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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