Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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