Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
