So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
