Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
