I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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