11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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