I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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