I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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