Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
