So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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