I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
