Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
