Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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