So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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