I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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