Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
