Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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