alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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