Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
