Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
