Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
