I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
