When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
